I am not known for telling jokes but I have an annual game meal hosted at my house and it is the time I tell one joke as a prelude to a toast.

Let me know your best hunting/gun joke that isn't too risky to tell at my dinner.

Thanks to all.

There is the one which the hunter was well over the limit on birds when the game warden checked him. He explained that he had been hunting along the state line and had birds from each state and hence was not over the limit in this state. The Game Warden said I can tell which state a bird lived in and said we will see if you are over the limit in this state.

Then one by one he ran his finger up the birds butt and sniffed it. Then he would nod and put the bird into one of two piles. When completed he counted birds up and shook his head. Then proceeded to put them all into one pile and repeat it again. He stated that he had checked and double checked his results and there was no doubt in his results. He announced the hunter had indeed harvested birds from two state but he was over in this state and under in the other so he was going to have to give him a citation for being over the limit. Then called for the hunters hunting license and asked him if he was a resident or non resident. The hunter said in state but I'm sure you want to check that too so he bent over.

Ok, I'll try. Two hunters from a less educated area went hunting. After a while a bear came out and attacked one of the hunters, while the other hid behind a tree. After the bear had been satisfied and left, the other hunter came to his buddy. It looked bad. He found his buddy's cell phone and called 911. The 911 person responded with questions. Finally the fellow said he thought his buddy might be dead and he did not know what to do. Dead ? the 911 person said. Well, make sure. Wait a moment the friend said. A few seconds later came a Blam. Then the friend was back on the phone. He said "OK, what next".

One day, Ed Good and Jagermeister went deer hunting in the woods.

They sit in the woods for hours, when suddenly this humongous buck comes into view.

With a nice clean shot, Ed Good bangs the buck.

They drag it back to camp by the butt, but the antlers keep getting stuck.

Another hunter says, “You guys should drag it by the antlers. It won’t get stuck.”

They do, and Jagermeister yells, “Hey, he was right. He is not getting stuck.”

Ed Good replies, “Yeah, but we’re getting farther away from camp.”

If that isn't good enough, try this one>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ed Good and Jagermeister were in the woods hunting. Jagermeister looked at Ed and said, “I’ve got to take a crap.”

Ed said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.”

Jagermeister said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.”

Ed Good replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?”

Jagermeister said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea– I’ll use that!”

He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. Ed looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to you?”

Jagermeister replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”

Two brothers took their annual float plane trip into the Canadian wilds for a moose hunt. They were dropped off and week later showed up at the rendezvous for transport out. They had two huge moose and were loaded down with gear. The pilot said "I can't take off with that much weight."
"Last year's pilot was able too. He had the same plane and we had two moose the same size."
"Okay" the pilot said, worried about getting a "can't do" reputation.
The plane was loaded up and the pilot took off down the lake into the wind, as the plane rose, a pontoon clipped a tree and crashed.
"Where are we?" said a dazed brother to the other.
The other brother stood up in the smoking wreckage and said:
"I'm not sure, but it looks like where we crashed last year."

GLS

Great story but it is is about Deans from almost any university! I have also told the story about consultants.

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

What does the lion say to his pride before they go hunting for food?

Let us prey.

SRH

So, my friend and I drew bear tags, and decided to partner up for the hunt.
We arrive at our blind, and after settling in, I opened my bag and pulled out my tennis shoes. As I was slipping them onto my feet, my friend asked me,
"Why are you putting on tennis shoes?"
I replied,
"Well, in the event we wound a bear, and I have to run, I want to be ready."
My friend says to me,
"Out run a bear? Poppycock! You can't be that silly. Don't you know a bear can run up to 40 MPH? That's as fast as a thoroughbred race horse. You couldn't possibly out run the bear in such circumstances."
I casually replied to him,
"Oh I know that. I don't have to out run the bear. Just you ."


And, if there are kids around, you can ask them....

"Did you ever wonder why Sharks don't eat clowns?"




It's because they taste funny.

Kids love that one.

This ones sorta long but could be abridged if needed; (Maybe Stans familiar with this gentleman)
Glover & the Quail;
In a small village sommers in South Georgia around the turn of the last century a young lady named Gloria Glover married a young man named Barry Benton. About 10 months a baby boy was born. He was named Glover Benton. His maternal Grandfather was a Bird Hunter & began carrying Glover along at a very young age. He soon acquired a shotgun of his own & began to shoot quite well for his age. By the time he had turned around 18 he had become a most excellent shot. At about age 21 his Grandfather Glover became unable to hunt anymore so gave grandson Glover his treasured Bird Gun, a 16ga CHE Parker Bros. Glover took to this gun like a duck to water & was soon known all over South Georgia as the best Bird Hunter around.
One Crisp fall day the locals had gathered around the pot-bellied stove at the general store rather early. Glover entered by the front door, walked past the men around the stove without so much as a glance nor spoke a word & went to the back & picked up some 16ga shells & started toward the counter. As he came back by the stove one gentleman spoke up & asked How'd the bird hunting go today Glover. Glover stopped, looked at them then said;
Went out to the big Steven's farm, started up at the north end & hunted all the length of it & didn't raise nary a bird. Was just coming down to the south end in the afternoon where Mr Stevens has the long narrow 20 acre pea patch. It lays long ways along side the Crick on the left with a brushy hillside on the right. Sent ol Sam along the fence row between the pea patch & the hill. Ol Sam has a nose that if ary a quail had walked from the pea patch to the brush or back in the last three days he'd a smelt him. Well he went the full length of that fence row & didn't pick up a thin, went around the eend & started back up the creek side. About three quarters of the way back up that side he suddenly turned his head to right & locked up like a stone Statute. On the crick side of the pea patch there is about a 5 foot bank with a flood plain about 20 yards wide to the crick that is all weedy. Along the crick is an old rock fence that was built way back a'fore the Yankees came through. I parted some brush & looked through toward the crick. Sitting along the top a that rock fence was more Birds than I had ever seen in one place at the same time in all my life. My mouth gaped open & I thought thar must be a hunnerd of them Birds.
I counted them, sho nuff was perzakly a hunnerd of'em. Now yopu all know that I don't cotton to shooting a bird without giving him a sporting chance, but the thought hit me, Glover, you ain't ever in yore life gonna see anything like this agin. They wuz just setting thar in a neat line, beak to tail with no gap teix them. Well I thinks Glover you've got an oz of #8 lead in each barrel so that's about 800 of them little pellets & thar ain't but 100 birds , so I though as to my best way to get the most. What I come up with was I stuck the snout of that little Pakah thru the brush & made sure I had swinging room. I pointed her about 20 feet behind the last bird & swung forward jess as hard as I could with two fingers on the triggers. As the muzzle came to the rear bird I pulled the first trigger, kept swanging & hit the other trigger. When the smoke had cleared & the flopping stopped & I worked my way through the wqeedas & briars over to that rock fence I started picking up birds. You know I kilt 99 of them birds.
The crowd was totally silent for a bit, finally one gentleman spit a stream of amber into an empty Mater Juice can that rang like a dinner bell. Then he looked at Glover & spoke, said Glover Why din't you jest tell us you kilt all hunnerd of them birds. Glover flushed a bright cherry red, his eye flamed with a lok that could kill. Then he got a hold of hisself & looked the gentleman straight in the the Eye, "Surely Luther, Surely you are not insinuating I should take up Lying for one more little ol Bird."

Short and sweet and always gets laughs"

Beer Nuts
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

2-piper has it for now. It has to be a story like 'piper' told. Here is the one I used last year.

Friend of mine is the school football coach. In his school, football is a big sport and everyone comes out to watch the games. It also means a lot of revenue and some players get scouted to the colleague teams. He's a good coach but this past year he had a crop of youth the just didn't pan out. He worked his butt off but they were bottom of league at the end of the season.

Knowing how badly they had faired and how big football is in the community he was getting a bit worried about his job. Now my friend is also a hunter and really likes the early season duck hunt. He has a great hole down on one of the school board trustee's lands that he hunted for the past few years.

He decided to try it and took along the assistant coach who also likes hunting ducks. He pulls up into the farm yard and says to the assistant coach you stay here. I want to ask permission to hunt and also I would like to get an indication if my job is on the line.

So the coach goes up and knocks on the door and the school trustee answers it. The Coach talks a bit about the weather and the harvest season then gets down to business and ask if he can hunt the hole for ducks. The trustee says yes help yourself. Since things in the conversation are going good the coach decides to ask if he still has a job the next year. The trustee says for sure. You been doing a good job for the past few years and this year you just had a bunch of kids with no talent. We ain't going to fire you for that.

Well the coach is very relieved. As he turns to head back to the truck the trustee says perhaps you can do me a favour. I got this old horse down in the coral that needs to be put down but I just can't do it myself. Perhaps you can help me. When you get to the coral maybe you can get out your shotgun and put him down.

The coach all relieved about keeping his job says sure no problem. As he gets back to the truck he's thinking this will be great joke on his assistant coach. He gets in the truck and tells the assistant coach we lost our jobs, but the trustee was a bit emotional about it and says we can hunt for one last time.

As they turn turn through the barn yard and to the coral the coach breaks hard, grabs his shotgun and says I'm going to kill his damn horse. He shoots. Just as the horse drops he hears two more shots behind him. Turning around the assistant coach says Ya and I just shot 2 of his cows, lets get the hell out of here!

A rich guy and his pal, a poor guy, go bird hunting. The rich guy has his champion dogs the poor guy shows up with a goat. The rich guy says "I'm not hunting with a goat". The poor guys says "This goat can hunt". And sure enough that goat was amazing, He was first on point point, retrieve, crash through brush. The bulk of the birds were shot over this goat and not over the rich guys brace of dogs. The rich guy says "I gotta have that goat name your price". The poor guy says "No not going to sell". The rich guy says "I'll give you anything you want and throw in this shotgun you are so crazy about". The poor guys says "Sorry but this goat won't hunt for you". Rich guy say "What do you mean?" The poor guys says "Don't you still in that big house on the lake?" Rich guy says"Yeah" The poor guy says "Well he won't hunt for you. This goat would rather fish then hunt"

Ok. Here's an old one, adapted to the new realia.

A grandfather finally convinced his hipster grandson to try out hunting. He wanted the kid to have a real good time, so he decides to take him on a guided moose hunt. The guide takes them into the wilderness, tells them he'll place them on stands, detour and push the moose onto them.

- All right - says the youngster.

- The moose will come out of there, and you shoot it in the heart.

- All right.

- Make sure you're shooting at the moose, and not any other animal or a person

- All right

- Don't go anywhere off the place where I put you.

- All right.

- And be careful with the locals. They sometimes come up to you and try to tell them it's their moose, they'd wounded it before, and must have the meat. Don't let them take your moose away.

- All right.

The guide leaves, and the hipster stays put. Sure enough, a couple of hours later a moose comes out of the wood, and the hipster shoots it dead.

Immediately after that, a man dressed like a local calls out to him:

- It's my moose! - cries the hipster.

- Hey, listen..

- I'm not gonna listen, it's my moose!

- But...

- Shut up! That moose is mine! I'm keeping it!

- What the...

- I tell you it's mine! Get off before I shoot you too!

- All right! OK! You win! It's your moose. This moose is yours. Just let me get the saddle off it...

Tamid,

Love this one.

Two guys are sitting in a deer stand. Out across the field emerges one of the finest bucks either had ever seen. As the one hunter raises his rifle and readies himself for the shot, his buddy offhandedly whispers that there's a funeral procession passing by the road at the other end of the field.

With this, the shooter lays down his rifle, stands and turns towards the funeral procession, removes his hat and bows his head.

After the last car had gone by he sat back down. By now the buck had wandered off. Impressed, his hunting buddy tells his friend that he couldnt believe he passed on the buck just to pay his respects to a distant passing funeral.

At this the man replied, "Heck, we were married 37 years!"

- Nudge

I heard that same one about a dove shoot. Thanks for the reminder about it.

SRH

Here's one that was PM'd to me yesterday evening. I'll copy and paste it verbatim. For Ed, verbatim means exactly as I received it, word for word:

Ed Good and King Brown were out deer hunting when they came to a grove of trees. The two decided to split up, one taking each side of the grove. As they were walking Ed saw the branches rustle in the trees and took a shot. To his horror he realized that he shot King. Ed quickly rushed King to the emergency room and patiently waited outside. After two hours the doctor emerged and Ed asked him how his buddy King was. The doctor said, "We tried our best and he would have made it if you hadn't gutted him first."

Keith, no such thing as simple humor for you and your negative posting ways; you can't help yourself

Bless You

old hypocrite, please give us an estimate of how many draft horses it would take to pull a greased sewing needle out of your butt.

Of course, with your extremely elevated estrogen levels... you just can't help yourself.

I would ignore you as you advised yesterday, but then I'd miss the pleasure I get from pissing you off. Thanks for taking the bait again.



P.S.-By the way, your off-topic post was another off topic thread diversion.

Finally Opening Day is here! Guy gets up at 5:15, gets ready, and loads the truck. He's running a little late as he cranks the truck, opens the garage door and pulls out into a pouring rain. He sits at the end of the driveway for a minute as the rain gets harder. His neighbor down the street is sitting at the end of his driveway too. As he pulls out he sees the neighbor backing up. He has waited for this day but knows it is no use so he heads back home and into the garage.

He undresses and climbs back into bed. Since he is already awake he starts feeling a little amorous. He starts caressing his wife's back, scoots over and rubs her shoulder as she coos approvingly. He leans in and kisses her on the neck and says "It's raining cats and dogs out there". She says "I know! Can you believe my husband went hunting in that crap!

Sorry, guys, but this is the best hunting joke ever told.

A game warden pulled into a successful deer camp, and began inspecting the 5 massive bucks and one Very large bear. The warden noticed all the deer were shot between the eyes. When the warden questioned the hunters. The hunters stated we pride ourself in head shots, not to ruin the meat. When the warden noticed that the bear had both front paws shot and a h hole between the eyes he asked-- what happen here, the camp cook said " heck, when we hit him with that dang light, he threw up his paws to cover them eyes!
😳

Sent from my iPad

I agree with Murphy. Best I've ever heard.

SRH

I think I knew that fellow and also his wife.

After spooking a big buck out of its bed two years in a row. I brought the wife to block his exit. I told her that if she shot the deer to get over to it and don't let another hunter tag it.two minutes after we got in place I heard her shoot. When I reached her she had some guybacked against a tree saying don't touch that deer its my deer. He answered ok lady its your deer just let me get my saddle off it.

Hard to follow those draft horses....

Ed Good should have tried liberal field dressing and king might have survived.

Tamid, your last year's, GMCS's and "raining cats" are to me, the funniest. Gil

An NYC rich guy is invited to hunt at a a traditional quail plantation in Georgia over a wonderful pointer. At the first piece of cover, the guide's pointer runs in and back to the guide and taps his paw five times on ground where upon the guide proclaims that his dog has found a small covey of five quail.

Sure enough five birds flush, three are shot and retreived in very classy style. This repeats throughout the morning's hunt.

The New Yorker offers the guide 50 thousand dollars to sell him the dog which is quickly accepted.

Back in New York, on his first preserve hunt accompanied by several of his NYC rich friends and his "new" pointer, the dog comes out of the first food plot shaking his head with a stick in his mouth and proceeds to hump his new owners leg.

The embarrassed NYC financier immediately calls the Georgia guide on his cell phone and begins to berate him for selling a developmentally disabled pointer.

After detailing the events of the first piece of cover, the guide exclaims " you dumb yankee.....the dog just told you that there are more quail in there than you shake a friggin stick at" !

Sometimes ya have to over look them yAnkees...

Years ago a fellow went to check out this famous squirrel dog that was for sale...

When he arrived to look at the dog the owner said I'll be right back with him....A short time later he came around the side of the house rolling a wheel barrow with the dog inside of it. He questioned the owner as to why the dog was in the wheel barrow ?

That is some funny stuff. Is your narcolepsy acting up by chance?


Best,
Ted

Just read the whole bunch, lots of laughs.

My nostrils are still tingling from launching whiskey at my laptop after reading teeny350's bit. Eyes are still watering too.

Just didn't finish the joke Mr. Sniffle'bean....faxt iz eYe wuz wait'n on yOu'unz.

Any ways the owner explained that the dog had lost his legs in a hunting accident years back. Seems he had a taken this 'gent from Mpls, Mn hunting with one of those Darne bumper jack shotguns and when the nimrod was loading his bumper jack shotgun it went off taking out all 4 of his prized squirrel dogs legs. He cracked the nimrod over the head with his Darne and sent him packing back north (sadly we're left with Mr. Sniffle'bean).

He went on to explain that this squirrel dog had been such a great hunting companion that he couldn't stand to leave him home so one day he got the idea of putting him in a wheel barrow and off they went squirrel hunting. Didn't take long to figure out the dog could still tree squirrels out of a wheel barrow.

The gentleman was growing quite old and because he was still toting shot in his arse from the nimrods shooting accident he decided to sell the dog to someone that could hunt him.

A price was agreed upon and the wheel barrow was thrown in.....

A few days later found the new owner loading his dog in the wheel barrow for a day of squirrel hunting. A short time after dark his wife started to worry when they didn't show up but knew her husband had been lost in the woods before (she thought it genetic) finally she fell asleep on the couch....

Next morning she was awaken by a sound out side she jumped and ran to the door...."Honey boo your clothes are in tatters and you've lost your prize Darne shootz'gun....Honey boo boo where you been all night ?"

Ted'ward Jr. tried to explain that everything was going just fine squirrel hunting, we almost had our limit...

Until the dog struck a deer.

After a long night of coon huntin' a couple a good ole Georgia boys were sittin' in their rocking chairs on the front porch of their hunting cabin passing the moonshine jug back and forth, accompanied by an exhausted blue tick hound at their feet.

An hour or two deep into the "jug" with little or no conversation between the ole boys, their hound wakes up, cocks his leg and proceeds to give himself a good lick.

Being somewhat easily amused, one Georgia boy turns to the other and remarks, " Damn, I wish I could do that".

His huntin' buddy turns to him with an inebriated look and replies, " that dog would bite you" !

Old Sam, the deer poacher, and Warden Cobb had a running battle in the Northwoods of Minnesota for years- from Oct. through Nov., Sam slipped out undetected and took any deer he saw with his .44-40 Winchester lever action-- Finally the Warden retired, and told his rookie replacement about staking out Sam's cabin in the early AM--and how to follow him undetected.

First AM in Oct. that year, the rookie is at his post- light appears from inside the cabin, Old Sam, steps out on the deck boards, unzips his fly, and relieves himself on the ground. Then he looks up, and shouts: "Hey Warden, kinda cold out there- I'm making coffee and bacon with flapjacks, come on in."

This scene plays out over time, until Old Sam is in the hospital with a terminal illness from which he will die. The rookie goes to visit, and asks him-"Sam, all those mornings we had breakfast together in your cabin, how did you know I was outside?" Easy,replied Sam: "Two things I do every morning from Oct. through Nov.; (1) Get up and piss, and (2) yell "Hey Warden"! Worked every time, didn't it?"

re: The Ted and jOe shOw

Well, someone is asleep at the switch.

city slicker: Farmer, you ain't too far from a fOOl now are ye?

farmer: Just a barbwire fence b'tween us.


_____________________________
The Arkansas Traveler WDET 101.9 Detroit, Michigan. (rip, Larry)

Not finishing things is a bit of a constant in your world, no?

Let's see, toilet training, 8th grade, gun safety, posting jokes, etc.

The joke was better before you finished, it by the way.

That is NOT saying it was a good joke. It wasn't.


Best,
Ted

Teddy bOy mad because jOe took a poo poo on his key board ?

Dang I wish the OP could moderate his/her own threads!

And what would you do ?

Request you both to cut it out and let the jokes go on for better and worse without personal attacks about or within the jokes.

This thread was supposed to be about good natured fun, not personal nastiness

When Ted Shitlin'ferbrains posted this he volunteered to be in my jOke.

Since we were so rudely interrupted....



I'm sorry this hunting jOke went over yer head Mr. Shittle'beans....maybe I should've typed it r e A l . . . s l O w. . . .. .

I don't know any jokes, but I do have a true story you might could use. It happened back in the early 60s when I was 8 years old. I was too small to be allowed to carry a gun, but big enough to tag along on hunts. My father let me be his retriever on dove hunts, but all I could do was watch on quail hunts; retrieving was Rye's job, and Rye was a fine pointer.

It was in the late season and birds were wild, so the first stop that morning was at a tract where a big covey of birds had flushed wild on the previous hunt and flew across the property line, so we didn't even get to hunt the singles. We had no sooner gotten out of the truck when my dad told me that Rye was trailing birds. The big liver and white pointer had his nose to the ground and his tail wagging as he trailed those bird so fast that we couldn't keep up with him. Eventually he went on point in a small brier patch and we hurried up behind him. I was so short that all I could see was Rye's tail sticking up out of the briers.

My dad eased up behind Rye, and I carefully stayed right behind him so he could shoot in any direction. But instead of the big covey getting up, it was just a single bird. My dad quickly dropped him, but Rye remained on point. That was unusual because Rye was trained as a meat dog. Nobody had to tell him to retrieve; he went after the bird as soon as saw him drop. I asked my dad what was happening and he said there were more birds there. Sure enough, another single got up and my dad dropped him, but Rye remained on point. This was repeated again and again until my dad had his limit of 10 birds.

We had never seen anything like this, so my dad eased into the briers as birds continued to get up one at a time. It turned out that Rye was trailing them so fast that the covey panicked and all ran into a rabbit hole. Rye simply put his paw over the hole and was letting the birds out one at a time. My dad to drag him out of the briers so the rest of the covey could escape.

I've always thought this true story could be turned into a good joke. I don't mind at all if you lie and say it happened to you, but please, make sure the dog's name is still Rye. Dogs like him deserve to be remembered.

Very well played, coosa. That's a good one.

SRH

That's almost as good as a guy my dad knew who had a greyhound dog. The dog ran by his car so fast that the guy jumped out of the car to call him back. Problem was the car was still doing 60 mph!!

This is great- The late Havilah Babcock couldn't have done better on his best day afield. Cheers to Rye's memory indeed.

I think that is the winner, coosa. But then, I admit to being pah'tial to jokes about bird dogs and quail.

Best, SRH

Coosa,

Your account of your great day afield with an exceptional pointer is one heck of treasure to have in memory. I'll second RWTF's cheers to Rye. He was a sharp one for sure, bet if you had asked he could have driven you home.

Regards,

Mark