doublegunshop.com - home Forums General Discussion DoubleGun BBS @ doublegunshop.com We need a laugh around here. Too much fighting.

Tunes, that was tops. Gil

Two preachers were comparing notes, and succumbing to a bit of boastfulness. One said to the other, " I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married", then turned to the other and asked "Did you?" Other preacher replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

SRH

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farder now if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

What is Bill Clinton's definition of safe sex?

When Hillary is out of town.

Country boy went to the city to get himself a regular paying job. Having never filled out a job application, he was careful to answer every question thoroughly and truthfully. When he got to the blank that said "SEX", he wrote ............ "Once, in Detroit".

SRH

I tried this with the Triceratops thread a few days ago and at least one of the "members" here didn't appreciate it. Perhaps he'd be more amused sucking on an unripe lemon?
Jim

Sean and Shamus worked at the Guinness plant in Dublin. It was Sean's job to stir one of the big open vats, and getting a little close to the edge, he slipped, fell in, and drowned.

It of course fell to his good friend Shamus to inform his wife Mary of her new status as a widow.

So he ambled up the cobblestone path to the wee little cottage and rapped gently on the oak door. With a creak and groan it opened to reveal the fine and surprised face of the new widow.

"Well, Shamus, what brings you to me door this hour of the day?"

"Mary, I, I......"

"Don't stand there jabberin' man, come in and sit down, and have a spot of tea while you collect your thoughts."

Shamus gathered his courage while Mary was getting tea and biscuits, and blurted it out as he picked up his cup,

"Mary, it's about Sean."

The color fled from her face and the cup stopped just short of her mouth when he continued:

It's bad Mary: he's dead. He fell into the vat and he drowned."

When the full force of the news and all its weight crashed into her heart and soul, she wailed as only an Irish woman could. Shamus held his cup between both hands, not knowing what to do or say as Mary screamed, rocking to and fro
on the settee.

"O Shamus, this is more than I can stand. Please tell me he didn't suffer."

"Oh, I'm sure of that."

Wiping away tears and gently blowing her nose into the linen handkerchief, she softly inquired as to why he was so sure.

"Well Mary, he got out three times to pee."

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he
thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his
rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and
siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he
thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await
the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off
with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

My wife and I went to the parish fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the
first pen and there was a sign attached that said.....

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last
year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's almost 3 times a week ! ......
...You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once
a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it
was with the same cow...'

Two south Alabama farm boys, Sam and Willie (best friends since childhood), decided they wanted to leave the farm and make their way in the big city; so they headed to Atlanta. Knowing that a job would be imperative, they discussed job plans along the way; and decided that they wanted a job that would allow them to work together. So they arrive in the big city and quickly realize that finding a job might not be easy given that their only skills were farm related; but then learned that a construction company was looking for laborers. They found the construction site and were directed to the personnel office; and as they waited, Willie said to Sam when its our turn, you go first; and if you get a job then whisper the answers to me as I go in, that way we're guaranteed to be working together. Having thus agreed Sam went to be interviewed first; and after the greetings, the job foreman said "Son, we're not looking for a rocket scientist, just someone with a strong back; so I'm gonna ask you two questions. You answer those questions, and you got a job. Now, if I was to reach across this desk and poke out your eye, what would you be". Sam says, "why then I'd be half blind". So the foreman then says "well then, what would you be if I poked our your other eye"; and Sam says, "why then I'd be all blind"! "Well son, you got yourself a job; sign right here".
With huge grin Sam left the office and whispered to Willie, already on his way in; "the answers are half-blind and all-blind".
So Willie sits down and is greeted with the same no rocket scientist/strong back speech; and sits there confidently as he awaits the two questions. Finally the foreman says "Willie, you see me fiddlin' around with this old pocket knife here; if I was to reach across this desk and whack off one of your ears, then
what would you be"? Willie looks straight at the job foreman, and with all the confidence in the world says; "why I'd be half blind". With a somewhat puzzled look, the foreman stares at Willie and says; "well OK son, but what if I was feelin' real mean and I went ahead and wacked off your other ear; what would you be then"? With no hesitation at all Willie said, "why sir, I'd be all blind"! The foreman paused, took a deep breath, and scratching his balding head said, "Willie, I'm gonna ask you one more question; can you please explain to me why you'd either be half blind or all blind depending on how many of your ears were sliced off"? Incredulous at being asked such an obviously simple question, Willie responded; "why Mr. Bossman, if you cut my ears off; then my hat'd fall down over my eyes and blind is what I'd surely be"!