Here's another Russian bear story.
A VIP, no, a V-V-VIP from the capital came on an inspection to a minor provinical town, and kept boasting about his hunting exploits until the local authorities felt they absolutely had to arrange a hunt for him. Unfortunately, the neighborhood was devoid of any game, and even the circus bear was not available.
The nearest thing to a bear in the neighborhood was a retired drama actor, who had drunk himself to a state where he couldn't be trusted any part with words. But he shined at imitated a bear in a performance for children, and would take any part in any prank for a volume of vodka. So, they told him, we'd dress you up in a real old bear skin, and hide you under some fallen wood. Then we approach and set the dogs on you, you'll rise, roar and growl and wave your hands about. And when the VIP bangs at you (don't worry, we'll load his gun with blanks) you'll play dead. We'll congratulate the VIP and start selebrating immediately, without letting him see you, and then we'll send him the skin and everyone will be happy.
So, at the designated time and day, the actor, complete with a bear skin and a bottle of advance vodka to kill the time, was hiding under a windfall. The "hunting party" approached "the bear den", the VIP (whose hunting stories were all lies, and who in fact had never seen a bear before) was handed over a gun, and the dogs "rose the bear". The artist was in top form, heated up just enough, and he looked very convincing as a bear - so convincing, in fact, that the VIP was too scared to pull the trigger. Finally, he pulled himself together and fired.
Unfortunately, the local bureaucrats had no blanks in the caliber of the VIP's gun, so they loaded it with birdshot, thinking it couldn't seriously injure the actor under protection of his bear skin. Well, that presupposition was correct - the actor wasn't wounded - but the impact of the pellets was painful enough. To be exact, it hurt like hell.
So, instead of rolling over dead, the bear turned to the hunters and yelled in pure Russian:
- What the fvck is going on, man, it wasn't the deal!
