doublegunshop.com - home Forums General Discussion DoubleGun BBS @ doublegunshop.com Best Hunting Joke

I am not known for telling jokes but I have an annual game meal hosted at my house and it is the time I tell one joke as a prelude to a toast.

Let me know your best hunting/gun joke that isn't too risky to tell at my dinner.

Thanks to all.

There is the one which the hunter was well over the limit on birds when the game warden checked him. He explained that he had been hunting along the state line and had birds from each state and hence was not over the limit in this state. The Game Warden said I can tell which state a bird lived in and said we will see if you are over the limit in this state.

Then one by one he ran his finger up the birds butt and sniffed it. Then he would nod and put the bird into one of two piles. When completed he counted birds up and shook his head. Then proceeded to put them all into one pile and repeat it again. He stated that he had checked and double checked his results and there was no doubt in his results. He announced the hunter had indeed harvested birds from two state but he was over in this state and under in the other so he was going to have to give him a citation for being over the limit. Then called for the hunters hunting license and asked him if he was a resident or non resident. The hunter said in state but I'm sure you want to check that too so he bent over.

Ok, I'll try. Two hunters from a less educated area went hunting. After a while a bear came out and attacked one of the hunters, while the other hid behind a tree. After the bear had been satisfied and left, the other hunter came to his buddy. It looked bad. He found his buddy's cell phone and called 911. The 911 person responded with questions. Finally the fellow said he thought his buddy might be dead and he did not know what to do. Dead ? the 911 person said. Well, make sure. Wait a moment the friend said. A few seconds later came a Blam. Then the friend was back on the phone. He said "OK, what next".

One day, Ed Good and Jagermeister went deer hunting in the woods.

They sit in the woods for hours, when suddenly this humongous buck comes into view.

With a nice clean shot, Ed Good bangs the buck.

They drag it back to camp by the butt, but the antlers keep getting stuck.

Another hunter says, �You guys should drag it by the antlers. It won�t get stuck.�

They do, and Jagermeister yells, �Hey, he was right. He is not getting stuck.�

Ed Good replies, �Yeah, but we�re getting farther away from camp.�

If that isn't good enough, try this one>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ed Good and Jagermeister were in the woods hunting. Jagermeister looked at Ed and said, �I�ve got to take a crap.�

Ed said, �Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.�

Jagermeister said, �But I don�t have any paper to wipe my ass.�

Ed Good replied, �You have a dollar, don�t you?�

Jagermeister said, �Yeah, I�ve got a dollar. That�s a great idea� I�ll use that!�

He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. Ed looked at him and asked, �What in the hell happened to you?�

Jagermeister replied, �Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?�

Two brothers took their annual float plane trip into the Canadian wilds for a moose hunt. They were dropped off and week later showed up at the rendezvous for transport out. They had two huge moose and were loaded down with gear. The pilot said "I can't take off with that much weight."
"Last year's pilot was able too. He had the same plane and we had two moose the same size."
"Okay" the pilot said, worried about getting a "can't do" reputation.
The plane was loaded up and the pilot took off down the lake into the wind, as the plane rose, a pontoon clipped a tree and crashed.
"Where are we?" said a dazed brother to the other.
The other brother stood up in the smoking wreckage and said:
"I'm not sure, but it looks like where we crashed last year."

GLS

Great story but it is is about Deans from almost any university! I have also told the story about consultants.

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

What does the lion say to his pride before they go hunting for food?

Let us prey.

SRH

So, my friend and I drew bear tags, and decided to partner up for the hunt.
We arrive at our blind, and after settling in, I opened my bag and pulled out my tennis shoes. As I was slipping them onto my feet, my friend asked me,
"Why are you putting on tennis shoes?"
I replied,
"Well, in the event we wound a bear, and I have to run, I want to be ready."
My friend says to me,
"Out run a bear? Poppycock! You can't be that silly. Don't you know a bear can run up to 40 MPH? That's as fast as a thoroughbred race horse. You couldn't possibly out run the bear in such circumstances."
I casually replied to him,
"Oh I know that. I don't have to out run the bear. Just you ."


And, if there are kids around, you can ask them....

"Did you ever wonder why Sharks don't eat clowns?"




It's because they taste funny.

Kids love that one.

This ones sorta long but could be abridged if needed; (Maybe Stans familiar with this gentleman)
Glover & the Quail;
In a small village sommers in South Georgia around the turn of the last century a young lady named Gloria Glover married a young man named Barry Benton. About 10 months a baby boy was born. He was named Glover Benton. His maternal Grandfather was a Bird Hunter & began carrying Glover along at a very young age. He soon acquired a shotgun of his own & began to shoot quite well for his age. By the time he had turned around 18 he had become a most excellent shot. At about age 21 his Grandfather Glover became unable to hunt anymore so gave grandson Glover his treasured Bird Gun, a 16ga CHE Parker Bros. Glover took to this gun like a duck to water & was soon known all over South Georgia as the best Bird Hunter around.
One Crisp fall day the locals had gathered around the pot-bellied stove at the general store rather early. Glover entered by the front door, walked past the men around the stove without so much as a glance nor spoke a word & went to the back & picked up some 16ga shells & started toward the counter. As he came back by the stove one gentleman spoke up & asked How'd the bird hunting go today Glover. Glover stopped, looked at them then said;
Went out to the big Steven's farm, started up at the north end & hunted all the length of it & didn't raise nary a bird. Was just coming down to the south end in the afternoon where Mr Stevens has the long narrow 20 acre pea patch. It lays long ways along side the Crick on the left with a brushy hillside on the right. Sent ol Sam along the fence row between the pea patch & the hill. Ol Sam has a nose that if ary a quail had walked from the pea patch to the brush or back in the last three days he'd a smelt him. Well he went the full length of that fence row & didn't pick up a thin, went around the eend & started back up the creek side. About three quarters of the way back up that side he suddenly turned his head to right & locked up like a stone Statute. On the crick side of the pea patch there is about a 5 foot bank with a flood plain about 20 yards wide to the crick that is all weedy. Along the crick is an old rock fence that was built way back a'fore the Yankees came through. I parted some brush & looked through toward the crick. Sitting along the top a that rock fence was more Birds than I had ever seen in one place at the same time in all my life. My mouth gaped open & I thought thar must be a hunnerd of them Birds.
I counted them, sho nuff was perzakly a hunnerd of'em. Now yopu all know that I don't cotton to shooting a bird without giving him a sporting chance, but the thought hit me, Glover, you ain't ever in yore life gonna see anything like this agin. They wuz just setting thar in a neat line, beak to tail with no gap teix them. Well I thinks Glover you've got an oz of #8 lead in each barrel so that's about 800 of them little pellets & thar ain't but 100 birds , so I though as to my best way to get the most. What I come up with was I stuck the snout of that little Pakah thru the brush & made sure I had swinging room. I pointed her about 20 feet behind the last bird & swung forward jess as hard as I could with two fingers on the triggers. As the muzzle came to the rear bird I pulled the first trigger, kept swanging & hit the other trigger. When the smoke had cleared & the flopping stopped & I worked my way through the wqeedas & briars over to that rock fence I started picking up birds. You know I kilt 99 of them birds.
The crowd was totally silent for a bit, finally one gentleman spit a stream of amber into an empty Mater Juice can that rang like a dinner bell. Then he looked at Glover & spoke, said Glover Why din't you jest tell us you kilt all hunnerd of them birds. Glover flushed a bright cherry red, his eye flamed with a lok that could kill. Then he got a hold of hisself & looked the gentleman straight in the the Eye, "Surely Luther, Surely you are not insinuating I should take up Lying for one more little ol Bird."