My daughter did not like this one so much but then again she is not a real blonde

I've sold my vacuum cleaner.

It was just gathering dust.

I slept with a Brazilian.
Oh, how many is that!

Talk about a bunch of corny jokes!!!

If you were in MD you could change the sign to read

"baited area
closed to hunting
MD Dept. of Natural Resource mismanagement"

Many are cold but few are frozen.

I went to the library and asked if they had any books on how to commit suicide.
"No chance" said the librarian,
"You won't bring it back"

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. Then they ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

Tunes just add ......we think we have the powder issues figured out. .

Thank you Tunes, my wife who is a primary school principle and I laughed A LOT!

Tunes, that was tops. Gil

Two preachers were comparing notes, and succumbing to a bit of boastfulness. One said to the other, " I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married", then turned to the other and asked "Did you?" Other preacher replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

SRH

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farder now if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

What is Bill Clinton's definition of safe sex?

When Hillary is out of town.

Country boy went to the city to get himself a regular paying job. Having never filled out a job application, he was careful to answer every question thoroughly and truthfully. When he got to the blank that said "SEX", he wrote ............ "Once, in Detroit".

SRH

I tried this with the Triceratops thread a few days ago and at least one of the "members" here didn't appreciate it. Perhaps he'd be more amused sucking on an unripe lemon?
Jim

Sean and Shamus worked at the Guinness plant in Dublin. It was Sean's job to stir one of the big open vats, and getting a little close to the edge, he slipped, fell in, and drowned.

It of course fell to his good friend Shamus to inform his wife Mary of her new status as a widow.

So he ambled up the cobblestone path to the wee little cottage and rapped gently on the oak door. With a creak and groan it opened to reveal the fine and surprised face of the new widow.

"Well, Shamus, what brings you to me door this hour of the day?"

"Mary, I, I......"

"Don't stand there jabberin' man, come in and sit down, and have a spot of tea while you collect your thoughts."

Shamus gathered his courage while Mary was getting tea and biscuits, and blurted it out as he picked up his cup,

"Mary, it's about Sean."

The color fled from her face and the cup stopped just short of her mouth when he continued:

It's bad Mary: he's dead. He fell into the vat and he drowned."

When the full force of the news and all its weight crashed into her heart and soul, she wailed as only an Irish woman could. Shamus held his cup between both hands, not knowing what to do or say as Mary screamed, rocking to and fro
on the settee.

"O Shamus, this is more than I can stand. Please tell me he didn't suffer."

"Oh, I'm sure of that."

Wiping away tears and gently blowing her nose into the linen handkerchief, she softly inquired as to why he was so sure.

"Well Mary, he got out three times to pee."

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he
thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his
rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and
siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he
thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await
the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off
with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

My wife and I went to the parish fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the
first pen and there was a sign attached that said.....

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last
year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's almost 3 times a week ! ......
...You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once
a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it
was with the same cow...'

Two south Alabama farm boys, Sam and Willie (best friends since childhood), decided they wanted to leave the farm and make their way in the big city; so they headed to Atlanta. Knowing that a job would be imperative, they discussed job plans along the way; and decided that they wanted a job that would allow them to work together. So they arrive in the big city and quickly realize that finding a job might not be easy given that their only skills were farm related; but then learned that a construction company was looking for laborers. They found the construction site and were directed to the personnel office; and as they waited, Willie said to Sam when its our turn, you go first; and if you get a job then whisper the answers to me as I go in, that way we're guaranteed to be working together. Having thus agreed Sam went to be interviewed first; and after the greetings, the job foreman said "Son, we're not looking for a rocket scientist, just someone with a strong back; so I'm gonna ask you two questions. You answer those questions, and you got a job. Now, if I was to reach across this desk and poke out your eye, what would you be". Sam says, "why then I'd be half blind". So the foreman then says "well then, what would you be if I poked our your other eye"; and Sam says, "why then I'd be all blind"! "Well son, you got yourself a job; sign right here".
With huge grin Sam left the office and whispered to Willie, already on his way in; "the answers are half-blind and all-blind".
So Willie sits down and is greeted with the same no rocket scientist/strong back speech; and sits there confidently as he awaits the two questions. Finally the foreman says "Willie, you see me fiddlin' around with this old pocket knife here; if I was to reach across this desk and whack off one of your ears, then
what would you be"? Willie looks straight at the job foreman, and with all the confidence in the world says; "why I'd be half blind". With a somewhat puzzled look, the foreman stares at Willie and says; "well OK son, but what if I was feelin' real mean and I went ahead and wacked off your other ear; what would you be then"? With no hesitation at all Willie said, "why sir, I'd be all blind"! The foreman paused, took a deep breath, and scratching his balding head said, "Willie, I'm gonna ask you one more question; can you please explain to me why you'd either be half blind or all blind depending on how many of your ears were sliced off"? Incredulous at being asked such an obviously simple question, Willie responded; "why Mr. Bossman, if you cut my ears off; then my hat'd fall down over my eyes and blind is what I'd surely be"!

Bubba and his wife have been married for thirty five years. Bubba comes home from work every day, turns on the tv and grabs some beers , has dinner, and goes to bed. Saturday he goes hunting or fishing and Sunday watches either football or Nascar.
Bubba's wife starts thinking the magic has left their marriage and gets an idea to spark the old romance so she decides to go shopping at Victorias Secret.

That night Bubba comes home and notices it's kind of odd the lights are low and candles are lit. He grab a beer and turns on the tv.
Just then his wife comes down the stairs with a skimpy top and crotchless panties. She points down and says, "Bubba you want a little of this?"
Bubba's mouth drops open, spits his beer and says "Lord NO, look what it did to your panties"!

Larry and Darryl are twins, both the dullest knives in the drawer, and both have been out of work for a while- money is getting tight, and Larry sees a ad in the Sunday paper, the employment agency is interviewing for jobs at the local GM in Grand Rapids. Larry's last job was at Clipper Belt as a night janitor, Darryl's last job was an inspector at Cutler,a main supplier to Victoria's Secret in better economic times.

Monday AM, bright and early, both show up at the agency, and with some help, fill out the paperwork, and wait to be interviewed. Larry goes first, and after 10 minutes, goes back to the bench where Darryl is sitting. "Hey, Darryl, guess what, I got a job at GM, 3rd shift janitor, at $15.00/hour. How about that?"" Whoo-ee says Darryl, I gotta get me a GM job too. That's for me.

Darryl goes back to be interviewed, comes back in a while and sits down next to his brother. "Well, didja get a GM job Darryl?" asks Larry. "Yeah, I sure did- Second shift, $25.00/hour, start tomorrow." "Hey, what the Hell-- how come you get second shift and $10.00 an hour more than I get on third shift? We should be working together, same shift, same pay. Didn't you tell the dude we are twins?""

Naww, I just told him what I did at Cutler, and they put me in skilled trades right away."

"This is bullshit Darryl, come with me and we'll get this dude straightened out on skilled trades."

So they both head back to the clerk's desk, and Larry asks him why he wasn't in skilled trades at $25.00/hr. like his dipstick twin brother. "Well, sir, your brother was a Diesel fitter when he worked at Cutler, and that is a skilled trade at GM. You were a night janitor at Clipper Belt, and that is NOT a skilled trade here at GM", was the terse answer given to Larry.

"Skilled trade- skilled trade, my ass," replied Larry. Do you know what he did each day at Cutler?" "He sat on an inspection and packing line in the underwear department, pulled a pair of panties down over his head down to the ears, took them off and said: "Yeah, dese'l fit her" and stuffed them in a box and sent them down the line."

A bar has three doors.

Drunk staggers in the front door, orders a beer. Bartender informs him that he can't serve those already intoxicated. Drunk staggers back out the front door.

Same drunk staggers in the side door. Is once again told he's too drunk to be served, staggers back out the side door.

Drunk crawls in the back door. Hoists himself up to the bar, takes a look at the bartender and says.... wait for it...

"Do you work at every bar in this town?"

(rim shot)

Two guys watch a dog lick his thing.
First guy says: " I wish I could do this..."

After a while, the second guy says...
"Why don't you pet him first?"